5 Reasons men could never give birth

dad and newborn

Recently, a group of men volunteered to undergo electro-stimulations to mimic contractions! Led by foolishness or curiosity, they wanted to know what it was like for their wives to give birth. Only one man lasted the full thirty seconds.

Half a minute? Really? My labors were induced and lasted over 11 hours.  Not that I'm an expert in childbirth, but having Pitocin pumped into my body at full force, water broken and membranes stripped by the doctor, with no epidural makes me think that men could never endure labor and birth like women.


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My husband can kick my ass in a lot of areas, but I'm certain that if the survival of the species depended on him, we'd all die out. 

Here are five reasons why men could not endure pregnancy and birth.

Pregnancy Brain

During pregnancy, I couldn't remember where I left my keys, what time my appointments were or what my pubic area looked like. All the space in my brain was filled with making it to the finish line. If I had to sacrifice by eating nothing but twigs and berries, gaining weight and stopping all the things that I enjoyed to get ready, I was willing to do it. I'm not so sure many men would think the pain, mystery rashes, and hemorrhoids were worth it.

Morning Sickness

No one likes to vomit.  And being pregnant is like having food poisoning for six months straight with a touch of sea sickness thrown in. Men could not handle morning sickness. 

Mood Swings

Men are stoic by nature and pregnancy makes you act and feel a little bipolar. I've seen my husband cry on a handful of occasions-- at the birth of our children, on our wedding day and when our dog died. If uncontrollable hormones kicked in for 9 months, he'd probably want to kick his own ass! 

Transition Labor

If you can't survive being punched in the nuts without doubling over into the fetal position, there is no way you are going to survive a gremlin trying to bust his way out of your abdomen, with what feels like a dull rusty knife for the duration of a damn transatlantic flight. Transition labor hurts. I, myself, wanted to jump out the window at one point during labor to end the pain. Unfortunately, I couldn't get out of the fetal position long enough to make it to the window to jump.

The Man Cold

Let's not forget the man cold. Have you ever seen a man when he is sick? Needy, sad and immobilized. Well, multiply that times 100 and add in hemorrhoids, constipation, gas and vomiting. If a man were to suddenly find himself capable of pregnancy, he'd immediately take to bed and whine about it to his wife.

Even if a man made it through all of pregnancy and birth, I'm pretty sure that the moment he witnessed his son being circumsized, he'd pass out.  Oh, the drama!



Image via Flickr/Joel

Topics: birth  childbirth  embarazo  first pregnancy  mamas latinas